http://lifeinc.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/07/10/12601268-awkward-how-a-workplace-hug-can-ByAllison Linn
James Lee was having a friendly chat with the presidentof the university where he works when it happened to him: The awkward co-workerhug.
Lee, 44, and the university president were at afundraising event, and Lee realized that there were other people waiting totalk to them. Forgetting for a moment that this was a professional and not apersonal context, Lee went in for the hug instead of the handshake.
He can still recall in vivid detail what happened next.
“It was a long moment for me because halfway in, Irealized what was about to happen. At that point, however, my body had alreadyhit his outstretched arm that was expecting a handshake, and I knew that Icouldn't call it off. I completed the awkward, inappropriate embrace,” he wrotein an e-mail.
Mortified, Lee found the nearest exit and made hisescape.
In today’s casual office environment, where people wearshorts and flip-flops to work and are encouraged to bond with the boss at happy hour or otherafter-hours events, it can be hard to know whether to hug or not to hug.
“You usually don’t see in the code of conduct, ‘Nohugging,’” said Pamela Eyring, president of The Protocol School of Washington,which offers business etiquette training. “So it makes the lines very blurred.”
Most office etiquette experts say that generally, anarms-off policy is best. And yet, most admit that they too have been in asituation where they’ve either given, or received, an awkward co-worker hug.
Lee, a sociology professor at San Jose State University,said the 2011 episode with his university’s president still embarrasses him. Hethinks it’s partly because he’s openly gay, and he worried that the hug wouldbe misinterpreted by others at the event.
After the incident, Lee only saw the university presidentonce more before he retired.
“He came over and he stuck his hand out,” Lee said. “Weshook hands, we talked.”
Etiquette and protocol trainer Rachel Wagner knows howLee feels. She, too, recalls a social event where she was talking to acolleague and, in a sudden burst of joviality, hugged the woman.
“It just happened, like, ‘Oh my gosh, I’m hugging,'” shesaid.
Almost immediately, Wagner realized she shouldn’t havehugged that person. But she never said anything, and the incident blew over.
The social trick of just pretending something didn’thappen often works best in such situations. If you do feel the need to addressit, do so quickly and with humor, experts advise.
“A self-deprecating confession can make a world ofdifference,” said Jim Webber, who provides workplace training on preventingharassment and runs an advice blog called Evil Skippy at Work.
Webber says there are times when a hug at work isappropriate, such as when someone has just received terrible personal news orgotten word they have been laid off.
But even then there are ground rules.
For one, he says, you should think of the office hug likefishing: “Hug and release.”
“You should not be able to have a conversation at workwhile I hug you,” he said.
Also, your fingers should not move during the hug.
A hug can quickly turn inappropriate if it feels like theperson is using it to gain power or bully other employees. Webber recalled onesituation where a male employee was hugging female employees for just a littletoo long and with a smirk in his eyes. Asked about it, Webber said the man saidthat if the “little ladies” didn’t like it, all they had to do was tell him.
In another incident, he said, a female employee told maleco-workers, “I’m just a cougar, give me a hug!” When one objected, Webber saidshe told him to “take it like a man.”
Even well-meaning hugs can make some people feeluncomfortable.
“Most of us don’t want that intimacy with our co-workers.We have to be with them 40 hours a week. We don’t want to hug them, too,”Webber said.
(Webber himself is not a hugger, although he’s had theequally mortifying experience of accidentally saying, “Bye-bye, sweetie” or “Ilove you” to a client when ending a phone conversation.)
An errant hug is generally not going to be enough toprompt a harassment complaint. Carol Miaskoff, assistant legal counsel for theEqual Employment Opportunity Commission, said theline would be crossed if there was a clear and pervasive pattern of unwanted physicalattention.
Still, it can be complicated, especially in workplaceswhere there’s a culture of hugging and affection. Her advice: If you don’t likehugging, make sure you are clear about it.
“A clear dividing line is if someone says, ‘Don’t hugme,’” she said.
Part of the issue is that American workplaces tend to bemore casual than in most countries, and the lines between work and personallife are often blurred by everything from office romances to friending on Facebook.
“We’re a very casual nation, but there are still workenvironments that are very formal,” said Eyring, of the Protocol School ofWashington.
Eyring said whether or not to hug also depends on whereyou are.
For example, she said a colleague visiting from anotherlocation might give her a hug if they meet at the office. But if they saw eachother at a class she was leading, a handshake would send a more appropriatemessage.
“He’s showing respect,” she said.
A public hug, especially between a male and femaleco-worker, also can give the wrong impression that there’s more to theacquaintance than there really is.
Patti Johnson, a career coach and founder of theconsultancy PeopleResults, advises people to use hugs sparingly and only whenyou’re sure the person will be amenable to it.
A big clue that you shouldn’t hug the person: Theoutstretched arm indicating that the person is clearly expecting a handshake.
In some cases, a hug can hurt more than it helps. Johnson recalled a time when she was partof a group selecting a vendor for a company. One of the candidates, whom sheknew casually, greeted her with a big, and unexpected, hug.
“It was like he was trying to make it appear to the groupthat we were really good buddies,” she said.
That wasn’t the main reason he didn’t get the account,but it didn’t help.
On the other hand, Johnson said that when hermother-in-law passed away recently, she appreciated her co-workers’ kindness.
“I had a lot of hugs in the workplace and that was nice,”she said. “It wasn’t inappropriate.”
Donna Farrugia, executive director of the Creative Group,a staffing agency for marketing and advertising professionals, thinks peoplehave become more conservative with such displays in recent years, as harassmentawareness has become more widespread.
Still, she it would be sad if hugging were to becomealtogether taboo.
“I have clients that I’ve done business with for a longtime, and you can kind of feel it as you walk toward each other (that) there’sgoing to be a little hug happening here, and it’s a good thing,” she said.
Readers, do you have any awkward or heartwarming storiesabout hugging at work? Tell us about it onour Facebook page, and we’ll feature some of your stories ina follow-up piece.
go-awry?litePatti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at http://PattiWood.net. Also check out the body language quiz on her YouTube Channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.
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